So, a reply to my last post brought something to the forefront of my head. The fact that I didn't send my last post (about people and their kids) to any of my friends with kids. Why? I have learned that in general, people don't like it when you criticize their relationships. Be it kids, spouses, or other family.
See, in my experience, if you bring a negative light on to people in that regard they get pretty defensive. Worse, if you yourself don't have kids/are married, they immediately throw that in your face. "What do you know? You aren't married!" "I'm not listening to someone who doesn't have kids."
This got me thinking...just because someone has experienced something, doesn't mean they are better at it than someone who hasn't. It doesn't mean they are necessarily good at it at ALL. Even more so, their closeness to the situation makes them biased, so their opinions are automatically tainted.
Think about it...we all have that friend who is a horrible driver. You fear for your life when you are in the vehicle with them. Yet, they have YEARS of experience in driving. Heck, they even had to pass a test to be allowed to drive...yet they aren't good at it. How would marriage or parenting be any different? With around 50% of marriages ending, that sounds like at least 25% of the folks in marriages are not doing a great job at it. With them odds, you'll have to pardon me if I don't think your opinions are better than mine just because I haven't yet made the mistake of a bad marriage.
When it comes down to it, I have spent a great deal of time reading about relationships. Most people...not so much. New parents read tons baby books...most with all kinds of "how-to" stuff. But almost nothing with alternating theories or studies. And even then, the parent picks parts to follow and throws the rest out the window.
I think we can agree that relationships are pretty dang complicated. At least as much as fixing a car (probably much more so). Well, if I decided to read a book on fixing a car and then only followed some of the directions, would I be a good mechanic do you think? Even more so, if I were to start trying to fix cars with NO prior training or study, do you think I would be considered a good mechanic? And, in that situation...me trying to be a mechanic for the past 2-3 years simply trying to figure it out as I go...and a friend comes up and says "Hey, I read an article that talks about how to fix the transmission. It had studies from many top mechanics, and even schematics." Should I maybe at least listen to this knowledge? Or dismiss it because it contradicts what I was trying to do, simply because my friend doesn't actually have a car?
Deep down, I know that more than likely they are just being defensive because people are overly sensitive about things they love. And no one likes to be told they are doing things wrong. Add that together, and they are simply dismissing me to protect themselves. Very human.
But that doesn't mean I have to take it with a smile.
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2 comments:
People in general don't like being told their wrong, even from someone "qualified." Most people tend to act, then justify (as opposed to think, then act). Telling them they're wrong (either by showing facts, or just voicing your opinion) makes them realize they've just been trying to fool themselves and for some reason they cling onto that justification even harder.
If it's fact, it's fact, fess up to it, improve yourself, and do better next time. If it's an opinion, thank them for their input, consider it for next time, and be confident in your decision until you're "proven" otherwise.
I guess it just comes down to laziness and impatience. Thinking requires you to wait before acting; that usually leads to you seeing what's right which is usually not what's easy. Most people I've met who choose the actions they make, don't get upset when you tell them they're wrong (or you feel they're wrong).
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