At the request of a friend, I will be posting my random writings:
The road stretched on as far as one could see. The landscape had taken on a brown/orange hue, thanks to the setting sun, that made it all look dead. Dust kicked up, as the man walked the dirt road. At his side trotted a small dog, a terrier of some sort, but that was all one could tell. Its gait was one of determination not happiness, like that of its companion. The man walked with a slight slump, as if the weight of the guitar across his back were bringing him down. He stopped to grasp a long piece of grass, and placed it in his mouth. The movement caused dust to displace from his denim jeans and jacket.
On the horizon behind; a cloud of dust was approaching. The man paid no heed, the terrier turning its head and managing to trot sideways. The cloud slowed and one could make out a dusty Chevy pickup. It pulled up next to the man and stopped, as did the man. The driver was attractive, or had been in her youth, her face now creased with age and hardship. She offered the younger man a ride, which he accepted, lifting the dog into the bed before hopping into the cab.
She was heading to her sister's wedding in Georgia. He was heading to meet his father, and possibly cousin, in North Carolina. They made small talk. She didn't like her sister really, and he had never met his father. For the night they stopped at an old hotel, the man offering to pay, so long as she was willing to share. She most certainly was. Clouds, then thunder, then rain rolled in as the man shared his bed with the woman. He brought back feelings of her youth, before he brought on a blissful sleep.
The morning would find her clutching the room's toilet, as she hacked up phlegm and blood. Over the last few days of her life, as she coughed up the last of her lungs, and slowly bled both inside and out, it would never occur to her that these things were from her brief, blissful meeting with the man who wasn't there when she woke. That same morning found him trudging along the road. He wondered if his dad would care. Would his dad be proud of him?
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
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6 comments:
Very creepy and VERY good!
Holly
Meaning, like, his dad IS his cousin?
:-)
It was clear that he did something to the woman at the end but I think the last part was too vague. You needed a sentence of some detail to solidify what he might have done. Why did she get sick and not him? Did he do something to her while she slept? Was it the food? The dog?
Also a detail like "He paid cash at the register and handed her the key." would be something the reader could look back on and go, "ah. no trace."
The line "For the night they stopped at an old hotel, the man offering to pay, so long as she was willing to share" was fantastic and not so subtle but still had the reader questioning for just a second. "What?" The next line pulls out the truth easily. Very good. There are some gems in this piece.
This was a good start to an interesting storyline. Perhaps you would consider posting to New Bards' Press more often? This would be good for the short short category.
This somewhat reminds me of the song "All I wanna do is make love to you" by Heart.
Screw Steagus. The story works. It has this suprise, what the fuck sort of quality.
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