Am I? I could go with the 'It's all relative' line. And that's fairly true. But I think there is a line one can cross where the majority would feel a certain way, enough to give you that label.
Regardless, it's something I have been wrestling with. I can say that casually, no, no I'm not. If you just saw me on the street or at work, you'd probably think I am decent enough. Even nice. Most people I work with like me well enough. But what happens when you get to know me better? That is the big question. But I think it is far more complex.
First, those with soft hearts probably needn't apply. As I get more comfortable around people, the little smiley wall I put up goes away. I am more likely to say things that could be hurtful. More impassioned in my opinions. More abrasive. And more likely to get upset if I feel wronged. So, if you don't have calloused emotions, take things personally, or are just (what I would consider) overly optimistic, I will hurt you. Repeatedly, until one of us drives the other away. I don't feel that alone makes me a dick. Just not compatible with those kinds of people on a deeper level.
Second is teasing/trash talk. I can tease people pretty badly. Thing is, I rarely tease people that I actually don't like to their face. If I don't like you, you will likely only ever see Smiley to Ambivalent Kevin. So if I am teasing you, I generally like you and I don't actually mean anything by the teasing. Now I don't know if this is a real issue or not, since I don't know if it really bothers people or not.
Third: Passionately opinionated. Man, when I get to discussing something, I can build up a head or steam. Worse, I can do this about topics I don't care about as much as I seem to. Even worse, even when I run out of reason or ammo, I keep going. This I have thought on...how much is stubbornness? How much is competitiveness? How much is enjoying making my mind think fast or dig deep? How much is the enjoyment of the other person's response? I don't know. I don't even think about it when it happens. I read something, a response forms in my head and I fire it off. Sometimes pure fact, sometimes informed bullshit, sometimes random opinion. But all generally coming off as heated.
This rolls into fourth, my love of arguing/debate. I have liked it for as long as I can remember. This I KNOW comes from enjoying making my mind work fast. My brother and I do it all the time. Sometimes about real issues. Sometimes about something random. I like being able to just keep going. But other people see it negatively. I remember someone commenting about my Bro and I doing it, asking why we liked each other. I was like 'why not? It's just arguing...we don't mean anything by it.' At least from my end. But to someone outside my head, I guess it sounds angry. Maybe it is at the time...but if it is, it goes away almost right away. Again, at least for me.
I also know I can be bad with communication. If I don't have easy access to you (see you regularly like at work) I am bad about keeping in touch. Lazy is a big part of that. Is there more? I'm not sure. I don't really keep in touch with like, anyone. When I left HS, I didn't keep in touch with any of my friends (they tried with me). Same with College. And from job to job. I'm not sure if it's because I don't value people enough, or some innate selfishness. I DO know that once I get home I kind of shut off the world. So, unless I made some kind of plans with you, you are unlikely to get ahold of me. But that doesn't explain my lack of communicating, with email so available. I have been trying to get better...but I still suck at it.
I know my 'tough love' approach has been frowned upon as well. See, sometimes, when I feel that kind words or a pat on the back don't work, I instead say something snide or cruel. I think it's a combination of being fed up with a person being undependable or me trying to break them from their shell. It works with varying success. At least short term. ultimately, like in any relationship, you need to realize that a person is who they are. trying to fix them won't work. So accept it or move on.
I suppose I could go on about my faults. But I think I am tapped for now. I will say that I know at the very least in the short term, I can be a good guy. People wherever I work tend to like me. When I take classes my teachers dig me. I'm that guy you can generally call and know I will help you move or work on your computer.
All in all, I am AM curious what other's think. I know asking that will likely garner a bunch of 'yeah your a dick Kevin' comments, or people won't feel comfortable saying anything at all. But I hope some do post in seriousness and with thought out reasons and opinions.
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4 comments:
Sometimes my only concers about you are how serious you take things, the things you factually take seriously. You and mom and dad used to worry about me and my job; how I used analyze things too much. Sometimes I worry about that with you. Sometimes I worry that you should just let things go.
But, I fully understand you, and I know exactly what you mean by excercising your brain with debate. Even if it's something you don't even agree with. To be able to consider, process, formulate, and express thoughts.
The only thing to really consider is to know how others understand you. Sometimes you make comments that are so outlandish, you just have to be joking. But sometimes you make comments that aren't so obvious, but I have a hard time believing you aren't just kidding... I can't think of any examples. I know myself, I do my best to add a smile/smirk, or to say "Not really", especially when it's people who don't know me that well.
Hey Dick.
Keep your mamby pamby self absorbed inner monologues to yourself. No one wants to read this drival. Geez.
Get back to the boob posts. But when you do make sure you have more pictures! You were kinda weak on the last post with the visuals.
I've always been in the tough love and I make fun of you because I like you categories. But then again, if there is someone I grow to not like, my snide remarks take on a cruel bent and it's great because they don't realize I'm actually serious at that point. It is hard to tell when you are serious or jiving.
That's one of the downfalls. When someone actually starts getting on my nerves or I don't want to be around them, they don't understand I'm not joking anymore.
It's a constant struggle not to be abrasive to people I love and like. It's just in my personality, and they have to understand I don't mean it. I don't know any tricks other than apologizing or trying to make it up.
We all know about your passion for debate. I like debate to an extent, but not with politics or religion, unless someone agrees with me. Then it's not debate.
Yes you are bad with communication. But so am I, so it works out. I never felt bad that I didn't talk to Kevin recently. You are pretty good about posting and blogs and e-mail. So even if we don't see you much, we still know what's going on in Kevinasia.
We've talked about this at great length, but I'll post a few thoughts here. I've also got to wonder how much my statements helped generate this post (as you wrote it the day after we talked about this very subject).
I like you. I consider you a friend. Being a casual friend of yours is easy and almost always fun. However, being a close friend of yours can be challenging at times. I've witnessed dramatic swings in your personality, typically generated by other factors going on in your life (i.e. job stress, your romantic situation, etc). When you are on the downswing, you seem to become much more pessimistic and the teasing/trash talking increases dramatically. How much you care about other people's opinion also seems to diminish during this period.
I do believe at your core you are a good person. But as we've discussed you are an onion. A good person wrapped in layers of surliness. When you are on the aforementioned downswing, you usually let the surly layer get so hardened that being your friend is a thankless job. This is the time you seem the most argumentative (more in print than face-to-face). I believe these are the times you get labeled, "a dick".
Also during these surly periods, I get the feeling that if our 7-year friendship terminated right then and there, you really wouldn't give it another thought for the rest of your life. That's a thought that makes me sad. I tend to build life-long friendships with people and hope to still call you a friend when we're ancient.
Now when you are on the upswing, you are very supportive of your friend's endeavors. You are charged with positive energy and are bursting with cool ideas. That's the Kevin I prefer to be around.
However, a friend sticks by a friend no matter what. So I'll take the surly Kevin when he's around and take the upswing Kevin when he's around.
Oh yeah, I think if you got laid more often you would be a happier person. But really, who wouldn't be. :)
The Irredeemable Shag
http://onceuponageek.com
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